yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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