Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize