Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
