He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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