Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
