things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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