He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
