I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
