took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
