You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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