I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
