This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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