Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
