I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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