i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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