guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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