There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
