I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
