So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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