Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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