The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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