ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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