Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
