i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
