i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
