We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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