It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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