Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I smell like Dick and happiness
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
