I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
