That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
