If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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