the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
