Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
