it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
