I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
The adults are the big ones right?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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