I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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