It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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