The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
