You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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