I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
