That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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