When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
