Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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