I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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