Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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