in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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