I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He? As in you personified your dick?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
