I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
