I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
