I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
accomplished twins. life is a go
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
