Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
