dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
