We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
