can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
