That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
