But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
