i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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