just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
