ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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