I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
