If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
