so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
