I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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